I live in NJ (Ugh). Later this year I will retire. My wife already is retired. We live in a nice suburban town that was rural when we moved in 23 years ago. I want to re-locate to a more desireable state based on what we all know is coming.
My wife VERBALLY agrees but with body language and every other type of non-verbal communication I know she don't.
The problem is that since she retired she has taken a small job in town which puts her in contact with most of the townsfolk and she's great at it. She loves people and most respond in kind. Not only that, she's very active in church affairs where she is loved and she loves them. In short SHE'S AS HAPPY AS A PIG IN SHI-!
Economics has nothing to do with it. When/if we re-locate we will have enough to purchase a home outright and our income without working will be more than enough.
Finally, she has a strong emotional tie to her only relative (brother) who is a nice enoigh guy as uninformed sheeple go.
I want to handle this situation right. How do I dis-engage her from these emotional/psychological crutches without alienating her?
Has anyone any experience in this area that that would care to share?
Tough to drag someone out of a 'comfort' zone. There's a couple of ways I got out of similar situation.
- start looking for where you do want to be. Take trips to areas of country you'd consider best suited to 'your' needs. Get short-term subscriptions to area newspapers where you might be interested in relocating. Calling them vacations or scouting trips may change along the way. But have your criteria list set in your mind, do homework. My criteria started with marking out where I didn't want to be. That lets you wander into unknown areas with an open mind. Because that unplanned side-side trip may take you to your dream destination.
- Whine a lot. Or thoughtfully & quietly muse about the disadvantages of current location. Lack of own water source; emergency exit out of area blocked by large population attempting to exit at same time; if there were a loss of utilities you'd be hard pressed to heat the house or cook; you wouldn't be able to be refuge for loved ones at current location; and any other reason you have for relocating.
- in the interim, fill the house and all storage areas with stuff you will need no matter where you are. When there's no more room, maybe she'll want to move! I used stored food for table bases, all closets were stacked to the ceiling, garage had pallets under storage buckets and boxes to keep from any water damage and maintain some air circulation. It took almost 3 years of accumulating for me to get point across to spouse, that I was serious about my concerns.
- if you're planning to relocate as preparation of future problems you need to voice those concerns. You need to be realistic on what the future can bring. If you've got retirement income, consider how easily that can disappear. Check the 401 losses during past 5 years. Get debt free, get your savings built up. Doing these things will show your spouse you are very serious in your concern of surviving any future calamity. Also realize that medical conviences are not as available in more remote locations. Be realistic. If you want to be a 98 year old bionic retiree you'd better stay in the city. These may be some of her concerns. Talk about them.
- Pray. This is the first thing to do. Without guidance or real direction and aid you'll not make a smooth and enjoyable relocation. Her people skills will be useful where ever she is. And it could be a great adventure for you both. You'll actually be starting all over and have time to enjoy each other while planning and searching.
- try to point out things you both had wanted to do all these years but never got around to; those things that could be done if you moved to more rural area; but she could be seeing a relocation as more work such as gardening, canning, soot from wood burning stoves, etc.
- since marriage is always an ongoing compromise, mutual agreement and trying to please, she may eventually see that you'd be happier elsewhere and concede to letting you make the choice of where to live for the next 20+ years. That's what my spouse said when the towel was finally 'thrown-in'.
- We ended up with 100 year old house on Main Street that has more modern conveniences than we'd had in our So. Cal. home on lagoon of Pacific Ocean where we raised 3 kids and rowed boats and walked to beach from. Of course no boats now allowed on lagoon and illegal to cross railroad tracks to get to beach. Daily traffic at previous home is 10 times daily what we have here yearly. All our furniture floated into its waiting home like it was drawn to a magnet. The outrageous interior victorian colors matched everything that used to be in Navaho white walled home. We came home. And didn't know we'd been lost.
- Memories and Dreams fill real needs. As long as you keep your memories you haven't lost what you've left behind. Your dreams keep you moving forward.